Finding my “Why”

I’m considered “obese.” Every doctor I have gone to weighs me, documents on my chart my weight and my height, and then the markers come in.

“OBESE.”

Let’s look at this word. What does “Obese” mean? According to dictionary.com, obese means ‘very fat or overweight.’ Yep. That’s what it means. In clinical terms, obesity is “A disorder involving excessive body fat that increases the risk of health problems. Obesity often results from taking in more calories than are burned by exercise and normal daily activities. Obesity occurs when a person’s body mass index is 30 or greater. The main symptom is excessive body fat, which increases the risk of serious health problems. The mainstay of treatment is lifestyle changes such as diet and exercise.”

The Centers for Disease Control says “Weight that is higher than what is considered healthy for a given height is described as overweight or obesity.”

I would like to say I’m not overweight, I’m under tall.

But seriously.

Why do we put so much emphasis on looks? Why do we look down on people, women specifically, for being overweight? Why is it a failure to be even a pound or three over the “ideal”? What IS the ideal?

Bannerhealth.com says that an “ideal” weight for a woman who is 5’4″ is 108-132 pounds. 108?! 132?!!

Well, by that reckoning, yes, I AM obese. I am not sure how healthy I would be if I was that weight. I haven’t seen that kind of weight since I was…quite young. I’m not telling how long ago it was but it’s painful.

So how did I come to this point and why don’t I DO something about it?

I have been living with weight issues all of my life. My mother used to tell me all sorts of nasty things like she would have to buy me clothing from “Omar the Tentmaker.” I was not an active child. I played with my siblings, yes, but that was on the swing set in the yard, not out playing tag, running, or anything else. I have been a stress eater all my life. There were nasty things going on at home. My response to that was to eat. I would go into the kitchen after hours (read: after everyone was asleep) and eat. Eating without exercising leads to gaining weight.

Fast forward quite a few years.

Marriage. Children. Going back to school. Finding exercise classes. Health issues. Every visit to the doctor is followed by the same thing: You’re obese.

I’ve gone to fitness classes. Those fitness classes are wonderful, but I’ve not lost weight.

I’ve been out walking. I’m not losing weight.

I retired from a job I held for 30 years. Was off work for a year. Found a new job. That job lasted almost a year. I walked more. I didn’t lose weight then either. I listened to office mates talking about how they were exercising for an hour a day. They were talking about it all the time. The one lady was extremely thin. I felt huge. I felt like a loser. Not the loser I wanted to be.

I quit that job. Took the summer off, but didn’t lose weight. I wasn’t really trying hard at that point, but I attended my fitness classes every week. In October, I got another job. Now my exercise time has been reduced. I sit on my rear for eight hours a day. I don’t go out walking, even though I know I should. There are a lot of things I know I SHOULD do.

I shouldn’t compare myself to other people. I have a tendency to do that.
I’m jealous of the people I see who work out daily or every other day, those who are successful at their weight loss. I want that loss for myself. Again, it comes down to the need to exercise and eat better. I could go out and walk in the park, but I don’t. This is my problem.

I should eat better. I’ve been increasing the amount of fruit I’m eating. I try to have at least one piece of fruit a day. I know I need to eat more fruit and more vegetables. I need to increase my exercise.

I was recently asked, “What is your why?” I’ve had to think about that for a really long time. Why do I want to lose weight? Do I want to lose it because it’s the popular thing? Do I want to do it to silence that nasty little voice in my head? The one that tells me I’m a horrible person because I’m overweight? Why do I want to lose weight?

I’m fairly healthy for all that I’m fat. My blood pressure is great. My A1C, the last it was tested, was okay. It was a little higher than I’d like to see it. Normal is below 5.7. Mine was 5.5. Pre-diabetic is between 5.7 and 6.5. Diabetic is over 6.5. For me, that 5.5 is a little scary since I’m so close to that 5.7 mark. I’m going to have to concentrate on getting that down.

I’m spending time thinking about my “why.” I’m thinking that my why has to be my health. I need to get that A1C number down. I need to get myself healthier. I’m not a fan of exercise but if it will help with the A1C, I’ll suck it up and do it. I do like walking. I can put music on and listen to it while I’m walking. I need the “oomph.” I need someone to kick my butt and get me to focus on my health more. My kids are grown. My husband takes care of himself. I haven’t been taking care of myself but I need to.

My why is the woman I am now, and the woman I hope I can become.

She’s been here, living behind excuses for a really long time.

It’s time to give her her voice, to allow her to see the light.