I’ve had an ill family member who has consumed my life recently. He has been hospitalized for three weeks now. I’ve gone out to see him in the hospital twice, and each time, I had to have my husband take me. I can’t tolerate the way other people drive very well. Long distances are an issue for me. I have to have companionship to make the trip. For both trips, I’ve had my husband driving and a friend talking to me via text. That helped my trip anxiety.
In addition to the ill family member, I’ve been communicating with my mother more than I had been. I think this stems from receiving a text message on the advent of the news about the ill family member, telling me, “you probably don’t give a rats ass, but…” That rather pissed me off. I do care. Yes, I have my issues, but everyone has issues. That doesn’t mean I’m an unfeeling, uncaring cretin. At least, I HOPE it doesn’t mean that!
I haven’t gone to see my mother yet. I have seen my ill family member, but I’ve kind of left my mother alone. I have called her regularly. She doesn’t seem interested in speaking with me for great lengths of time, which may be for the best for both of us, but she does know that I care because I call. I don’t know about other people, but this is the best I can do right now. I’m not going to pretend to be sweetness and light. There is history between us that needs to be put to rest, but until I spend a lot of time reflecting on the WHY and move on to the “this is what you’re going to do,” I am keeping my distance. At some point in the next few weeks, I will make that trip out to see my mother.
Maybe this is the beginning of healing a heart that has been damaged by strife? Only time is going to tell. I haven’t written off a visit to her, I’m only postponing it. I am working on my issues with her.