It’s the first Sunday of 2015 and I’m spending it with a slight injury. I managed to strain my back on Friday and felt it yesterday (Saturday), so didn’t do much in the way of physical activity. Today has been pretty much the same-still sore, still hurting and I’m not doing much. It’s some mental downtime. I think I’m going to say it’s needed and move on without beating myself up over it.

Now that 2015 is here, I have a lot to think about. I have a LOT of things I want to accomplish this year. I went back to school actively last year and managed to pick up some decent grades-after agonizing over a lot of things during the semester. I went to school in the summer and took one class. It wasn’t an easy grade. I had to read plays (took drama) and learned that I really didn’t like Hamlet, nor did I care for one of the other plays I read. Can’t even remember the name of it, so it wasn’t memorable at all.

I’m going to commit myself to making public my battle with weight loss and exercise in this forum. I’ve battled weight all my life. I have lived with negative commentary from one of my parents. Because of that, I’ve pretty much integrated the negativity into my own personal thinking. That’s changing this year. I will be 50 in six months. I don’t need that negativity anymore, therefore, I am banishing it from my life. I’m not going to allow negative self talk to take over my life. I just can’t.

That makes a huge difference in working out and trying to lose weight. If you constantly think you aren’t good enough, then you start internalizing it. It becomes how you talk to yourself.  Instead of acknowledging that I’m good enough for things, I sit and bemoan my “fate”. It’s my battle and I’m fighting it on a different plane. I’m not going to tell myself that “I can’t.”  Instead, I CAN. I WILL. The people who tell me not to bother?  Not listening to that either. I am doing this. FOR. ME.

Thankfulness isn’t a word, I’m sure, but it’s going to be allowed into my vocabulary for this post.

I have a lot to be thankful for and I figured that since this is the month for giving thanks, I would do it here.

I am thankful for Heather, Chelsea, Vanessa, Sandie, Gisela, Sam, Kluane and countless others who have stuck by me and haven’t given up on me, no matter how aggravated or aggravating I have gotten. There are not enough words to say to thank you all for being there for me.

This has been a rough semester for me. I’ve been doing a lot of writing and have hated every step of it. I’m only taking 10 credit hours this semester, but it’s been hard. I’ve also been trying to maintain my “good attitude” at work.  That’s not always happening, but I’m trying. I’ve been crabby and irritable with the family, who seem to look the other way.  Thank you!  I appreciate you for that!

I’m looking forward to what next semester is going to bring. I’m here, writing this blog instead of working on the three papers I still have to write for this semester.  One paper is due this evening, but I’m pretty sure that once fortified with coffee, I’ll be able to knock it out. It’s an extra credit paper anyway.  I figure that since I hate the paper I wrote for the test that’s due tonight, I may as well add in another paper I am displeased with.  I’m my own worst critic, I know. It just happens to be that’s how I am.  Maybe it’s from years of internalizing ugly things.  Who knows?  I’m pretty thankful that people forgive me for being so snippy anyway!

Not a ton going on in our little part of the world.  I really need to finish writing and get started on my final, which is due in two weeks. Then I have a month off before school starts again. I’m finding that I really like school the second time around. I may go up to the counseling office and see what I can do about changing my English requirement.  That’s just an idea I’m tossing around. I have to take another composition class and I really am not keen on it. Oh well. You have to do things you don’t like occasionally.

What have I been doing lately?  Let’s see…looking at new opportunities is one thing. I was told I’m “not competitive enough” for one of them. Okay. Moving on. That bridge is now burned.  We’ll see what happens in the future. I’m now taking classes again. I’m presently slogging my way through a Theatre class (Introduction to Theatre) that has proven to me that I need to learn to write. I’m okay with the criticism from my professor because I needed it. I skated through the 4 chapters and quizzes, the final test and then bombed on the paper.  AH. The light bulb is on. 

Today I had an agenda that I kept up with for the most part–until I broke the database!  (laugh) I tried to log in to take a test over the last chapter in the book I read and it failed three times. I think that’s my sign that I’m not to take the test tonight. I’m going to take it. It throws off my own personal time-table, but I can catch up and work past it.

Why am I working on a time-table? Because this class is highly accelerated. Because there’s a boatload of reading.  For the entire class (4 or 5 weeks. I forget the count. Doesn’t matter), we’re expected to read 6 plays. Two down. Two on tap. I’ll make up my time somewhere this week. I still have two more response papers to write.  I’m struggling with those, but have one kick-butt editor and a few privileged people who are being tortured with the paper. They haven’t begged me to stop sending it to them, so I will just continue to do what I’m doing.

Haven’t been out riding my bike much this summer. I think I’ve had it out maybe three times. I bought a new bike in February and haven’t had it tuned up and made ready to ride. That’s also on the agenda…hopefully someday soon. I need to get out and feel the wind on my face. That’s my thinking time. I’d prefer to have it less than triple digits but I DO live in Texas and it’s July.

I will try to be around more often. It’s going to be a little challenging for a bit. My son starts high school this year, my daughter is in college, I’m taking classes.  We’ll make it work.

 

 

I don’t take rejection well. I hate being told “sorry, you’re not what we’re looking for.” It makes me re-think my assets and makes me wonder if I’m really good enough to do what I’m trying to do.

I recently received an email saying “thank you for your interest in xyz. At this time, you were not selected.” I’m now looking at it as a way of choosing to do one of two things-either get seriously upset and pout or move on and look at other opportunities. I’ve had my pout and have moved on. I have ideas as to why I wasn’t chosen, but those are being left in the dust. It’s not going to be something I’ll dwell on. I’ve had my moment of “Nobody wants me.” and am moving on. I’ll find what I’m looking for eventually.  If not, I’m going to be a happy person despite it.

I’m remaking my mindset about a lot of things. It’s time to take the bull by the horns and lead it where I want it instead of being led. So that one door closed. Another one will open at the right time. I just need to learn patience. Unfortunately for me, patience is not a lesson I like learning very well. I get angry. This time, however, I’m just at an “oh well” phase and am not getting upset about it. It obviously wasn’t meant to be, so I’ll just move on.

I’ll turn it into a positive.

 

 

I’ve spent a lot of time being envious of other people’s successes.  I haven’t focused on my own.  I don’t believe this makes me a bad person, just human.  I have decided that it doesn’t matter that there are four million other people in better shape than me out there.  I’m trying to join their ranks so I have to learn to be happy with my own successes and even the failures.

I have started and stopped and started exercise routines more times than I care to shake a stick at.  I am easily bored, so I stop doing things that bore me.  I have forgiven myself this because if I don’t, I’m just reinforcing bad habits, habits that make me resent everyone and their dog.  Every person, every human being, has their own unique things that make them “tick”.  I haven’t found my thing yet.  

I’ve got videos.  I’ve got people on the internet who try to remember to push me but they have their own lives and don’t alwasy remember.  I can’t count on them to push me if I don’t push myself first.  I just have to find that one thing. It’s called being happy and I need to find it myself.

 So today, I am giving myself permission to be happy with what I’m doing.  I’m not riding that Century I hoped to ride some day. That’s okay.  I’m young.  I’m not a fifth degree black belt.  Again, that’s okay.  I forgive myself for the “slip ups” I have daily.  I know I’m eating “bad foods”.  I know I’m not tracking religiously.  I don’t have an exercise journal.  I accept that.  I also accept that I do track when I remember, I do count my points when I remember and I do try to keep moving.

I joined a Texas community on the Fitbit site since I have a fitbit.  I am in friendly competition to get my mileage and steps UP.  I have a young lady who has been talking to me and telling me she’s coming after me.  I love it!  It’s great to have that sort of reinforcement.  I’m a desk jockey by day and a couch potato by night, but I don’t have to be.  I know I can move more and having this young lady telling me she’s going to get me is just what I need to motivate me to move.  I also got a “trophy” today for walking 750 miles since I got my Fitbit (that’s all three incarnations, since I washed one, wore one out and am on my third).  THAT is a success and I’m happy about it.

My happiness is going to come from within.  I’m happy that I do have a few people who are willing to check on me, to push me and tell me to keep moving.  I’m happy that I have lost “Only” 20 pounds.  “ONLY” for now.  I WILL lose more.  I just have to be happy and comfortable in my own skin before it’ll “click.

Marguerite Nico:

This site, Strong-Fit-Beautiful is highly inspirational. I love her posts because she usually posts things worth thinking about.

Originally posted on Strong-Fit-Beautiful:

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I have been tracking faithfully on MyFitnessPal and somewhat faithfully on eTools, plus using a paper tracker so I can find where my issues are.  It’s amazing to see how many times I “overate”.  When I did, I found a surprise too–I lost weight!!   That was a huge surprise.  Even bigger was the fact that I am adding protein to what I typically eat–eating MORE and that’s been the key to my losses.  No, I’m not losing huge amounts (we’d all be scared senseless!) but I’m seeing some losses. 

This week, I didn’t eat as well as I should have and I saw a gain.  It was .8.  I didn’t freak out, I didn’t go ballistic and pout. I accepted it.  I knew, going in, that I’d probably see a gain.  Again, not a big deal. Gains and losses are part of the journey. I just have to knuckle down and refocus, remember to TRACK and keep it up.  I’m not confident enough in my abilities to know completely how many points something is.  Part of the key to success is being able to recognize this.  I’m working on it.

I have a week (well, four days) to work on eating right.  I also need to add in exercise because I want to start being more active.  I’ve made excuses and that’s all they are–excuses.  I’ve said “It’s too hot.” or “I’m too tired”.  Those are JUST excuses.  I can ride my bike for 30 minutes when it’s 100+ after work and I’m not going to melt.  Likewise, I can take shorts and a tee shirt, plus my sneakers and get in a 20-30 minute walk at work.  It’ll be movement.  I know someone who has a heart problem, who is out every single day, RUNNING.  If she can do that, I’m pretty darned sure I can get my lazy butt off the couch and “move it, move it.”  

I went to a bike shop  yesterday to find a good pair of cycling shorts because I DO want to start riding more.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get any help because there were a bunch of super fit guys in there.  I need to learn to not let my insecurities get the best of me.  I need to learn to ask for help, especially when it comes to making sure I’m fitted out to be able to do what I eventually want to do, which is to try to ride with a cycling club. I like cycling enough that I’m thinking I’d like to try it.

 

I am finding that it is NOT easy to eat well.  It’s hard to make good choices that include vegetables, protein and essential oils.  I have yet to include a healthy oil in my food choices.  I AM eating more protein though.  That’s the key to this week.  More protein. I just have to make sure my choices are healthy proteins.  This means that I have to actually cook better foods. As part of the WW 360 program, there’s  “Success Handbook” that allows you to work with it to find your trigger points, motivation,  losses, etc. I am actually USING the book now!  I’ve had it for about 3-4 months but its been sitting on my counter.  Now I’m writing in it (it’s interactive) and thinking about my reasons for following Weight Watchers. I have always subscribed to the “you have to cut out fats/oils/sugars” theory, although I didn’t do well with the “cut out sugars”.  In reading the success handbook, in talking to my Leader, I’ve actually learned a bit.  You can’t cut everything out (that was the topic of the last Meeting, too!).  If you do, you binge.  That’s always been me.  Fad diets?  Yep.  I’ve tried ‘em.  High protein/low carb (think pre-Atkins).  Yep, tried that too.  South Beach diet?  Been there.  Lost weight on the HP/LC but because I didn’t stick with it, I gained it all back, with friends. I want my weight loss to “stick”.  I have struggled my entire life with diets that didn’t work.  I was never taught about portion control.  I have worked on that recently.  I now measure things like peanut butter.  One tablespoon is a LOT. You wouldn’t think it would be, but it is HUGE. I have joined and quit WW more times than I care to count.  I tried going it alone several times, but fizzled out in ’00 and again in ’02.  In ’03, I started up in Martial Arts, so was working out, but didn’t really count points.  I don’t believe I ate correctly then, but because I was working out three hours a week, and Saturdays, I managed to lose some weight.  Before my black belt testing started, when I was around green to red belt, I started up on WW again. I actually attended meetings.  I lost/gained/lost but had impetus to keep going.  Then I got sick for a week with Strep, lost huge (you can’t really eat if your throat hurts).  I didn’t gain it back, amazingly.  I randomly followed WW, but left the program while I was training for my belt test in September. I managed to lose and kept most of the weight off.  I was never “tiny” at best.  I gained and lost and gained and lost. I re-joined WW last August, so it’s been almost a year now.  August 16 is my year anniversary.  I have really only lost 12 pounds in that year.  I became annoyed, frustrated and more frustrated. In the past two months, I’ve seen gains.  Was NOT pleased with myself.  I finally decided to ask for help.  I couldn’t keep seeing gains. I started tracking (on MFP only, but recently again on WW and on paper).  I asked my leader for help.  She said I had to count the points, but she didn’t say I absolutely HAD to use eTools.  I am using them so that I can count my points.  I will not give up WW…I will be successful.  I can feel it.  Maybe this week will be a good one. I am not happy about my gains, but there it is.  I gained.  I am not “the biggest loser”.  Not yet, anyway.

This is a lake I have access to on a regular basis. I pass it every time I go out on my bike.

I’ve had a couple of bouts of “positional vertigo” recently that have knocked me flat. I noticed a couple of weeks ago that my shoulders were stiff and painful and then my right shoulder started to hurt.  On Monday and Tuesday, I woke up in the morning and had to wait for the room to stop spinning.  That was not a pleasant experience.  I finally broke down and went to my chiropractor, who adjusted my neck and the vertebra in my upper back.  I was dizzy turning over, so we waited that out.  He then adjusted my neck more and helped me sit up.  That was horrible. I am not a big fan of being ill and yet, ill I was. It took almost ten minutes for the room to stop spinning on me. Needless to say, I moved very slowly after that.

I did a cardio workout on Thursday–the room was NOT spinning that morning, which was a miracle in and of itself.  I was a bit on the grouchy side but I figure that was from the family being home and nobody wanting to do anything. 

Yesterday, I did another workout and wound up being dizzy when I went down to the floor.  The only thing I can think of was that I was doing crunches (with my hands behind my head) and maybe I put too much pressure on my neck.  One of my good friends, who is like an older sister to me, suggested that I check my sugar levels.  I probably should.  She also recommended that I make sure I’m getting enough electrolytes.  My mission today is to find a source for natural electrolyte replacements. I found a link on the “Mother Nature Network”, so I’m going to see how that works.  Need to see if I can find “unrefined salt.”  Anyone know what that is?

I’m open to suggestions, so if anyone has any suggestions about things I can try for electrolyte replacements, please let me know.