Still Striving to improve myself, one board break at a time

What is help?

I’ve just finished my homework for my Italian class and was thinking about what it means to help someone. There is a young lady in my class who sits near me who has offered to help me. In turn, I give her the assignments when she can’t be in class. We give and take. That’s the kind of thing I want my kids to learn, to give and to take. It’s a pretty valuable lesson and it’s one that we can all benefit from.

I haven’t been the best at giving recently. I see all these pleas for help on Facebook and I cringe. I want to help people but at the same time, I’ve been burned in the past by “helping” someone, so I don’t want to help anymore. The best way I can help is through good intentions.

I realize I sound snarky and rude. I don’t mean to. I just feel that help is a two-way street. Being promised something in return for something and then being forgotten obviously cuts pretty deeply. It makes me cringe and want to go beat my head against a wall. Or the floor. Or some hard surface/object.

I will help my kids. I will help my immediate family. I will give to well known organizations. I will never again help a person who tells me a sob story and then “forgets” who helped them. That’s over.

My memory is long. My forgiveness is short.

whispers…psst!  Anyone here?

I haven’t written for a while.  Life has a way of getting in the way. I’ve been trying to get through school and have somewhat dropped off the face of the earth for a while. I’m presently taking four classes, while working full time and managing a family.

Things have been odd for 2015.  During the Spring Semester at school, I managed to injure my heels.  I have plantar fasciitis in both feet and believe me when I tell you, it HURTS!! I’m presently on my second doctor because the first one pretty much told me, “sit, don’t do anything and it’ll heal.”  I saw him at the end of April, during May and at the beginning of June. I wasn’t getting anywhere with the healing process, so I switched to another doctor this month.  This one  says to give it 4-6 weeks and if it’s not better, call him.

I’ve also joined a “10,000 steps a day” challenge at work. I’m trying really hard to get in steps, but my company pedometer is inaccurate as anything. My Fitbit is definitely more accurate. I did, however, manage to get in several steps, despite sore, swollen feet last week. They’re still sore, less swollen and better rested as of right now. I haven’t been walking this weekend though. We’ll start the week of limping off again tomorrow. The good thing is, my new doctor highly encourages exercise!!

On the weight loss front, things have stalled out. I’m not losing, but  my cousin, who revamped her entire lifestyle,IS dropping pounds (I think her comment was, “it’s melting off” to one of her friends) and I cheer quietly. I’m a terrible cheerleader in that aspect. I think that’s pretty cool for her.

School is kicking my butt pretty hard.  Four classes, three of which are online, are all tough. I’ve been trying to suck it up and deal with the math class, but it’s really hurting me. I don’t understand the logic part of it at all. The entire first section is logic and probability. I don’t see how that is going to help me as a Liberal Arts major but apparenlty, it’s necessary to prove that I’m “well rounded”. (and insane.  Don’t forget the insane part)

I’m debating dropping the math class. It would be a shame but at the same time, it’s definitely NOT AS ADVERTISED!! I was told it would be “easier” than College Algebra. No, it is not. I’d rather stick bamboo slivers underneath my fingernails than deal with math. I’ve said recently that math is “Mental Abuse to Humans” and I stand by my thinking. It hurts to see failures. This is a failed class. I get halfway decent grades on the “homework” (with copious help from a friend and family members) and fail the quizzes. I didn’t even take the second quiz because I couldn’t pass the homework with a 70 for intersecting sets and things. Probability isn’t even that much easier. I failed a 12 point quiz with only 5 correct. That should say something about trying to teach yourself math online. It doesn’t work if you don’t understand in the first place.

Two failed quizzes today means I’m walking away from all homework for a while.  My brain hurts, hence I’m writing. I usually workout a bunch of frustration by writing.

First Sunday of 2015

It’s the first Sunday of 2015 and I’m spending it with a slight injury. I managed to strain my back on Friday and felt it yesterday (Saturday), so didn’t do much in the way of physical activity. Today has been pretty much the same-still sore, still hurting and I’m not doing much. It’s some mental downtime. I think I’m going to say it’s needed and move on without beating myself up over it.

Now that 2015 is here, I have a lot to think about. I have a LOT of things I want to accomplish this year. I went back to school actively last year and managed to pick up some decent grades-after agonizing over a lot of things during the semester. I went to school in the summer and took one class. It wasn’t an easy grade. I had to read plays (took drama) and learned that I really didn’t like Hamlet, nor did I care for one of the other plays I read. Can’t even remember the name of it, so it wasn’t memorable at all.

I’m going to commit myself to making public my battle with weight loss and exercise in this forum. I’ve battled weight all my life. I have lived with negative commentary from one of my parents. Because of that, I’ve pretty much integrated the negativity into my own personal thinking. That’s changing this year. I will be 50 in six months. I don’t need that negativity anymore, therefore, I am banishing it from my life. I’m not going to allow negative self talk to take over my life. I just can’t.

That makes a huge difference in working out and trying to lose weight. If you constantly think you aren’t good enough, then you start internalizing it. It becomes how you talk to yourself.  Instead of acknowledging that I’m good enough for things, I sit and bemoan my “fate”. It’s my battle and I’m fighting it on a different plane. I’m not going to tell myself that “I can’t.”  Instead, I CAN. I WILL. The people who tell me not to bother?  Not listening to that either. I am doing this. FOR. ME.

Thanksgiving thankfulness

Thankfulness isn’t a word, I’m sure, but it’s going to be allowed into my vocabulary for this post.

I have a lot to be thankful for and I figured that since this is the month for giving thanks, I would do it here.

I am thankful for Heather, Chelsea, Vanessa, Sandie, Gisela, Sam, Kluane and countless others who have stuck by me and haven’t given up on me, no matter how aggravated or aggravating I have gotten. There are not enough words to say to thank you all for being there for me.

This has been a rough semester for me. I’ve been doing a lot of writing and have hated every step of it. I’m only taking 10 credit hours this semester, but it’s been hard. I’ve also been trying to maintain my “good attitude” at work.  That’s not always happening, but I’m trying. I’ve been crabby and irritable with the family, who seem to look the other way.  Thank you!  I appreciate you for that!

I’m looking forward to what next semester is going to bring. I’m here, writing this blog instead of working on the three papers I still have to write for this semester.  One paper is due this evening, but I’m pretty sure that once fortified with coffee, I’ll be able to knock it out. It’s an extra credit paper anyway.  I figure that since I hate the paper I wrote for the test that’s due tonight, I may as well add in another paper I am displeased with.  I’m my own worst critic, I know. It just happens to be that’s how I am.  Maybe it’s from years of internalizing ugly things.  Who knows?  I’m pretty thankful that people forgive me for being so snippy anyway!

Not a ton going on in our little part of the world.  I really need to finish writing and get started on my final, which is due in two weeks. Then I have a month off before school starts again. I’m finding that I really like school the second time around. I may go up to the counseling office and see what I can do about changing my English requirement.  That’s just an idea I’m tossing around. I have to take another composition class and I really am not keen on it. Oh well. You have to do things you don’t like occasionally.

What have I been doing lately?  Let’s see…looking at new opportunities is one thing. I was told I’m “not competitive enough” for one of them. Okay. Moving on. That bridge is now burned.  We’ll see what happens in the future. I’m now taking classes again. I’m presently slogging my way through a Theatre class (Introduction to Theatre) that has proven to me that I need to learn to write. I’m okay with the criticism from my professor because I needed it. I skated through the 4 chapters and quizzes, the final test and then bombed on the paper.  AH. The light bulb is on. 

Today I had an agenda that I kept up with for the most part–until I broke the database!  (laugh) I tried to log in to take a test over the last chapter in the book I read and it failed three times. I think that’s my sign that I’m not to take the test tonight. I’m going to take it. It throws off my own personal time-table, but I can catch up and work past it.

Why am I working on a time-table? Because this class is highly accelerated. Because there’s a boatload of reading.  For the entire class (4 or 5 weeks. I forget the count. Doesn’t matter), we’re expected to read 6 plays. Two down. Two on tap. I’ll make up my time somewhere this week. I still have two more response papers to write.  I’m struggling with those, but have one kick-butt editor and a few privileged people who are being tortured with the paper. They haven’t begged me to stop sending it to them, so I will just continue to do what I’m doing.

Haven’t been out riding my bike much this summer. I think I’ve had it out maybe three times. I bought a new bike in February and haven’t had it tuned up and made ready to ride. That’s also on the agenda…hopefully someday soon. I need to get out and feel the wind on my face. That’s my thinking time. I’d prefer to have it less than triple digits but I DO live in Texas and it’s July.

I will try to be around more often. It’s going to be a little challenging for a bit. My son starts high school this year, my daughter is in college, I’m taking classes.  We’ll make it work.



I don’t take rejection well. I hate being told “sorry, you’re not what we’re looking for.” It makes me re-think my assets and makes me wonder if I’m really good enough to do what I’m trying to do.

I recently received an email saying “thank you for your interest in xyz. At this time, you were not selected.” I’m now looking at it as a way of choosing to do one of two things-either get seriously upset and pout or move on and look at other opportunities. I’ve had my pout and have moved on. I have ideas as to why I wasn’t chosen, but those are being left in the dust. It’s not going to be something I’ll dwell on. I’ve had my moment of “Nobody wants me.” and am moving on. I’ll find what I’m looking for eventually.  If not, I’m going to be a happy person despite it.

I’m remaking my mindset about a lot of things. It’s time to take the bull by the horns and lead it where I want it instead of being led. So that one door closed. Another one will open at the right time. I just need to learn patience. Unfortunately for me, patience is not a lesson I like learning very well. I get angry. This time, however, I’m just at an “oh well” phase and am not getting upset about it. It obviously wasn’t meant to be, so I’ll just move on.

I’ll turn it into a positive.



Finding Happiness

I’ve spent a lot of time being envious of other people’s successes.  I haven’t focused on my own.  I don’t believe this makes me a bad person, just human.  I have decided that it doesn’t matter that there are four million other people in better shape than me out there.  I’m trying to join their ranks so I have to learn to be happy with my own successes and even the failures.

I have started and stopped and started exercise routines more times than I care to shake a stick at.  I am easily bored, so I stop doing things that bore me.  I have forgiven myself this because if I don’t, I’m just reinforcing bad habits, habits that make me resent everyone and their dog.  Every person, every human being, has their own unique things that make them “tick”.  I haven’t found my thing yet.  

I’ve got videos.  I’ve got people on the internet who try to remember to push me but they have their own lives and don’t alwasy remember.  I can’t count on them to push me if I don’t push myself first.  I just have to find that one thing. It’s called being happy and I need to find it myself.

 So today, I am giving myself permission to be happy with what I’m doing.  I’m not riding that Century I hoped to ride some day. That’s okay.  I’m young.  I’m not a fifth degree black belt.  Again, that’s okay.  I forgive myself for the “slip ups” I have daily.  I know I’m eating “bad foods”.  I know I’m not tracking religiously.  I don’t have an exercise journal.  I accept that.  I also accept that I do track when I remember, I do count my points when I remember and I do try to keep moving.

I joined a Texas community on the Fitbit site since I have a fitbit.  I am in friendly competition to get my mileage and steps UP.  I have a young lady who has been talking to me and telling me she’s coming after me.  I love it!  It’s great to have that sort of reinforcement.  I’m a desk jockey by day and a couch potato by night, but I don’t have to be.  I know I can move more and having this young lady telling me she’s going to get me is just what I need to motivate me to move.  I also got a “trophy” today for walking 750 miles since I got my Fitbit (that’s all three incarnations, since I washed one, wore one out and am on my third).  THAT is a success and I’m happy about it.

My happiness is going to come from within.  I’m happy that I do have a few people who are willing to check on me, to push me and tell me to keep moving.  I’m happy that I have lost “Only” 20 pounds.  “ONLY” for now.  I WILL lose more.  I just have to be happy and comfortable in my own skin before it’ll “click.

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