Walls

Walls are designed to prevent things from getting in or getting out. Houses have (at least) four walls. Then there are other less tangible walls but no less critical. Those walls are emotional walls. We put them up to prevent ourselves from being hurt or hurting others.

Osho said, “Millions of people have decided not to be sensitive. They have grown thick skins around themselves to avoid being hurt by anybody. But it is at a great cost. Nobody can hurt them, but nobody can make them happy either.”

Why would you build a “wall” and how would you do it? Well, walls are not always tangible, as I said at the beginning. Emotional walls allow us to withdraw into ourselves and keep our feelings in check. We don’t want to trust people for fear of being hurt. This is understandable, especially if one has been repeatedly hurt by those they have loved. If a person repeatedly puts themself out to be loved, only to be rebuffed, they will withdraw. Instead of allowing a potential relationship to flourish, they will do whatever they can to discourage it. This is the easiest way for one to prevent heartache. Unfortunately, it can backfire, especially if they are around new people because they simply will not trust them. They may talk with the newcomers, but there will not be much personal interaction.

What can we do to help prevent this type of wall-building? If we are approaching a relationship that might have the potential to be meaningful, it would be for the best if both parties sat down and talked to each other with as much honesty as they can provide the other. Allow someone to get just a smidgen closer so they might be better able to understand your fears. Try not to be pushy as this can and likely will backfire.

And what about those who have tried to trust and were hurt? They put up walls and it is possible that no amount of apology or “good faith attempts” by others are going to be enough to overcome that hurt. The one who is putting up the walls may feel extremely vulnerable like they are in a position they don’t control. In order to prevent the hurt they are feeling, they work on the control they crave. Call it a wall. Call it protection. Call it what you will. In their eyes, it’s the only way to prevent being hurt again. This is what they can control and control it they will.

What do you do if you come across someone who has raised walls against you? Well, first, try to understand their why. This isn’t always a conscious thing. It may be so deeply ingrained in them, they don’t realize they’ve done it. You can try talking to them. Don’t be accusatory. Try to keep an open mind and don’t approach things offensively because that will trigger the defensive mechanism that allowed the person to raise that wall in the first place. Talk rationally. If you are in the wrong, apologize, but do not continue to apologize. This may not do anything more than to make you feel better. It may not have any effect on the one you’re speaking with. You certainly do not want to blame them for being protective of themselves. If they have suffered some sort of grievous hurt, their walls would make sense. All you can do is to listen and offer your support and let them know you care.

You can’t tear down a wall that has been raised without the consent of the other party. If they refuse to remove that wall, back off and allow them their space. Maybe they will see that they are depriving themselves of emotional closeness. If they don’t immediately see this, don’t give up on them. Be their friend. Be caring. Don’t try to control a situation you’re not qualified to control. If the other party cannot relinquish their control of the situation, let it go and step a distance or three back. Let them come to you.

If it’s meant to happen, those walls will inevitably crumble and you will be allowed that closeness.

If not, let them go. Step back a few paces and be as supportive as they might allow you to be.

Things have been known to change. It takes time and patience.