Still Striving to improve myself, one board break at a time

Posts tagged ‘self doubt’

It’s all coming together

We’ve now had the house inspected and all the bickering little details back and forth from each side–Side A says “fix this, this, this, this and this.” Side B says “No, we’ll either fix this OR we’ll fix this, this, this and this and leave out this.” Side A says “You fix this, this, this, this, this and we’ll go half on this.” Side B thinks a bit, then says, “Okay, we’re good with this.” So now the frenetic packing and cleaning is on. I told a good friend that buying a house is much like gambling. Nothing is 100% guaranteed.

Here are a few pictures of the inside of the house:

The dining room (formal)

The dining room

The present owners' playroom

This is currently the playroom for the present homeowners.

The front door

The front door

The family room

The family room

The present homeowners are still in residence, so this is their stuff. The walls are painted a sage green. The kids’ bedrooms are pink and white striped and blue. We have had a “request” (demand??) to paint the pink and white room purple with yellow. NOT *my* first thought of nice, but who am I? I’m just a crabby old lady who doesn’t want to change it. Since we’re talking about painting that room, the young man wants HIS room painted in the colors of the University of Texas. I’m sorry, but orange is not an ideal color for a bedroom, so he gets stuck with it being blue. I got the idea to get some cammoflauge netting like hunters use and tack it up to the walls. That way it would stay blue, but would be slightly more masculine. I guess we’ll see. I’m not ready to paint two rooms. It’s already going to push our move in date back to mid-April. I’m a bit annoyed with that too, but I’ll deal with it. I want to move in as soon as I possibly can. Unfortunately, it’s not always possible to do what I want to do, as I’m very well aware of.

This house purchase is a huge step and one that I HOPE will let me finally rest the demons that have been plaguing my martial arts training. I have taken a month off to not think martial arts, to just BE, not to train. I am trying to put aside the hurt I felt from a friend who told me that I was really too heavy to do the things I was talking about doing (running). I have to learn to like myself and one of the things I’m finding cathartic about moving is that I can try to purge all of my feelings of discontent that have plagued me for over a year. I’ve let little comments from my loved ones (“Mommy you’re ‘phat’. Not “fat” but ‘phat’, which is a good thing!”) (“Honey, you KNOW you have to work out more and eat less to lose weight.”) get to me.

I’ve had a lot of self doubt, which has lingered. I finally wound up writing my instructor an email to tell him why I wasn’t showing up for class. He pointed out that I’m not letting myself have fun (hyper critical me knows this but needs to fix it). He said I need to let go and have some fun. I’m going to work on that.

I think the house is impetus to get my stuff together and decide what I want to do for the rest of my life. I can either sit and be critical of myself and “boo-hoo” about how I’m not going anywhere (which is what someone else said to me recently), or I can DO something about it. The choice is mine.

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