What is your Kryptonite? My mind, that obnoxious little voice in my head that tells me I have to be in competition with others, that I’m not as good as them, etc. is my Kryptonite. That little voice wears down my confidence.
After the excitement of losing my 10%, I didn’t go to two meetings and definitely didn’t track. It showed up on the scale last week. I committed myself to tracking again—my leader says “You only plan to lose weight on the days you track.” I listened and tracked. I upped my water as I’d slacked off on drinking and instead, netted a gain of .2. That, in and of itself, is not overly bad. It’s just frustrating on top of what I saw last week. I know it’s all a part of the cycle, but I was irritated and then some. I did weigh in though. That could have been a “nope. Not going to do it.” I faced the music and owned my weight. Wasn’t pleased. Still am not, but am doing something about it.
On Facebook, I am constantly bombarded by people who share their apparent successes all the time. I never see them telling people that they’ve had setbacks. I get frustrated by that because I’m sure they do have setbacks. I wonder if they think that people won’t be cheering them on if they admit to it? I guess it’s a matter of how they perceive their reality. I really have to stop basing my success vision on what I see other people doing/saying. I don’t know how much of what they’re posting is just a “I’m going to post because people expect me to post feel good stuff.”
I struggle with motivation to exercise. I don’t LIKE to work out. I was recently told that I need to be putting in a couple of hours a day in order to meet an unrealistic goal I set. I have since changed that goal because 1. It was highly unrealistic and 2. I want to do things in a healthy way, not an obsessed way. I don’t have the money to spend hours in a gym every day. The main reason I don’t want to go to a gym, in addition to the lack of funding, is that I feel like people are staring at me and judging me. I’m 5’4″ and carry my weight in my stomach, butt, hips and thighs. I am highly self conscious. I don’t want to have some uber fit people stare at me and say “why is that fat person here?” Yes, I know that the uber fit people are more likely not interested in one lowly person like me, but it’s my perception. That’s the self consciousness talking. It demonstrates a lack of confidence in myself.
I was invited to a group on Facebook to “skip the weighing in May”. I won’t be joining, mainly because that’s my accountability of success. Yes, it’s only numbers on the scale, but…that’s how I track my personal success. These people that are running that group are very supportive of each other and cheer each other on constantly. Sometimes I wish they’d actually hunt me down, either on my page or in messages and ask me, “how are you doing?” I do feel like they’re disgusted with me and refuse to talk to me because I don’t belong to their support groups and things. Again, it’s my perception of things. I kind of would like to see a message from them saying “keep it up!” They look at my pictures and share those, but there isn’t ever a pat on the back or an ‘atta-girl’. Sometimes that means a lot. Maybe not to a lot of people, but to this person who is desperate for some recognition for making changes that are just as significant as what others are doing, it’s a lot. Again, this is a confidence issue. I don’t want to compare myself to these people who lose all the time, who are not struggling with mental issues about weight and self image. I don’t need that and frankly, while I’m flattered that they invited me, I question why they asked me. I’m sure it was about being nice and trying to be supportive.
This isn’t about other people. It’s about ME. Yes, I gained. Am I happy about it? Oh hell no! I am in control of my own destiny. I will get this off. I don’t plan on it taking me another 8 months to reach 10%. I plan on making my next 10% in the next four months or so. It’s doable. I won’t tell you how much I have to lose, but it’s a lot. Let’s just say that by the end of May, I want to be 2 inches smaller (I guess I better take measurements now!), I want to be exercising at least 3 times a week (this will happen, guaranteed!) and I want to be more confident in myself.
Once upon a time, I earned a black belt. I was a lot heavier then than I am now. I want to get that confident feeling back. I want to feel as accomplished as I did then. I want to be healthy and happy. I admit I have problems. I am a food addict, I lack self confidence and I want acknowledgement that I am just as good as other people. I need to stop competing with people because it makes me feel resentful of their successes and makes me demean myself. I am just as good as anyone else. I have to stop comparing myself to them. I am a good person. I just need to remember this and repeat it constantly.