Frustrated

This is an “I’m mad” blog, just to warn anyone who might possibly be reading it. I’m a bit mad about a few things, not the least of which is that we can’t figure out what the problem is with my shoulder/neck and I can’t stand it. I can’t do things. I am not supposed to do push ups, planks (like a push up but not moving–stationary), no running, nothing that would affect my shoulder and aggravate it. The MRI found nothing wrong. No nerve damage. Nothing. Nada. No stress/strain/whatever.
I know I shouldn’t be mad, but I want to know WHAT is causing the problems. Am I imagining it? I think not. I have been living with the pain for the past several months. I’ve been to see my chiropractor so much that we could practically be on a first name basis. (we’re not, but could be!)

Then there’s karate. That’s frustrating me just as much. I’m limited in what I can do and yes, I know that probably 90% of the rest of the class is the same boat. It’s frustrating because I can’t do the sparring (shoulder). I feel like I’m in limbo. Like I’m not going anywhere. When Master Mac calls forms, I blank out. I am mad about that. I can’t stand screwing up. I want to be perfect. I know that perfect is a state of mind, but it’s annoying that I have forgotten my forms. The last time she called Bassai, for example, I blanked out in the middle of the form. WHY?????
MG says it’s probably from trying too hard. I want to do well. I WANT them to see that I’m capable of doing the forms!
I’m frustrated when I goof up. My own personal goals are to work hard and to improve. I don’t see improvement if I’m flubbing my forms all the time.

After the MRI results, I emailed my instructors and a good friend and told them what was going on. They all pointed out that I need to concentrate on healing myself. My friend told me to concentrate on being healthy–eat right, exercise. I’ve been told to swim. When I whined about not being able to run, I was told politely that I was too big to run right now. I need to get my weight under control or I’ll blow out my knees. It was pointed out that I can’t even manage 1/8 of a mile at the Y on Legacy. That’s frustrating. Aggravating too. I WANT to be able to run like everyone else does.
I WANT a lot of things!! How I get there is under my control, as is the wanting. It’s just frustrating to want to be able to be considered for things. I really want to advance to the next level, belt-wise too. At this point, I’ll fail miserably at the physical fitness, so I’m not going to be considered. I am, without a doubt, the fattest, most not fit Dan in the group. There’s no way anyone would consider me for anything other than a serious makeover.

I’m in a funk. I can’t run because I’m not fit. As I said, I was gently reminded that I’m too heavy to run, that my knees wouldn’t take it. I can ‘power walk’. I can swim. I can run the elliptical and exercise bikes. Oh yay. I’m so bummed out by things right now that I’m seriously considering quitting martial arts. I don’t want to, but I feel lost. I feel like I’ve failed in my own personal goals. I have to reconsider my personal goals, I guess.