Still Striving to improve myself, one board break at a time

Posts tagged ‘MRI’

Frustrated

This is an “I’m mad” blog, just to warn anyone who might possibly be reading it. I’m a bit mad about a few things, not the least of which is that we can’t figure out what the problem is with my shoulder/neck and I can’t stand it. I can’t do things. I am not supposed to do push ups, planks (like a push up but not moving–stationary), no running, nothing that would affect my shoulder and aggravate it. The MRI found nothing wrong. No nerve damage. Nothing. Nada. No stress/strain/whatever.
I know I shouldn’t be mad, but I want to know WHAT is causing the problems. Am I imagining it? I think not. I have been living with the pain for the past several months. I’ve been to see my chiropractor so much that we could practically be on a first name basis. (we’re not, but could be!)

Then there’s karate. That’s frustrating me just as much. I’m limited in what I can do and yes, I know that probably 90% of the rest of the class is the same boat. It’s frustrating because I can’t do the sparring (shoulder). I feel like I’m in limbo. Like I’m not going anywhere. When Master Mac calls forms, I blank out. I am mad about that. I can’t stand screwing up. I want to be perfect. I know that perfect is a state of mind, but it’s annoying that I have forgotten my forms. The last time she called Bassai, for example, I blanked out in the middle of the form. WHY?????
MG says it’s probably from trying too hard. I want to do well. I WANT them to see that I’m capable of doing the forms!
I’m frustrated when I goof up. My own personal goals are to work hard and to improve. I don’t see improvement if I’m flubbing my forms all the time.

After the MRI results, I emailed my instructors and a good friend and told them what was going on. They all pointed out that I need to concentrate on healing myself. My friend told me to concentrate on being healthy–eat right, exercise. I’ve been told to swim. When I whined about not being able to run, I was told politely that I was too big to run right now. I need to get my weight under control or I’ll blow out my knees. It was pointed out that I can’t even manage 1/8 of a mile at the Y on Legacy. That’s frustrating. Aggravating too. I WANT to be able to run like everyone else does.
I WANT a lot of things!! How I get there is under my control, as is the wanting. It’s just frustrating to want to be able to be considered for things. I really want to advance to the next level, belt-wise too. At this point, I’ll fail miserably at the physical fitness, so I’m not going to be considered. I am, without a doubt, the fattest, most not fit Dan in the group. There’s no way anyone would consider me for anything other than a serious makeover.

I’m in a funk. I can’t run because I’m not fit. As I said, I was gently reminded that I’m too heavy to run, that my knees wouldn’t take it. I can ‘power walk’. I can swim. I can run the elliptical and exercise bikes. Oh yay. I’m so bummed out by things right now that I’m seriously considering quitting martial arts. I don’t want to, but I feel lost. I feel like I’ve failed in my own personal goals. I have to reconsider my personal goals, I guess.

An un-memorable experience

Went to my MRI appointment on the 14th, only to find myself unable to have the actual procedure. I panicked when they put me under the magnetic thing. I hadn’t realized that I was claustrophobic until they slid me up under that thing.

The MRI machine is an “open MRI”, which just means it isn’t the loud tunnel thing you always see on television. This one was a table that slide over one magnet thing and under another. You have to lay face up, very, very still, and they turn on the thing to take the pictures.

I was fine when I got up on the table. I was talking with the lady who was going to do the procedure. We chatted about a few things, including how long it was going to take (4 of the pictures were 3 minutes, one was 5 minutes). She put a thing over my face that was there to keep me still and keep me from bouncing around (my head), and that was just the beginning. Again, I was fine until she slid me under the machine and made adjustments. At that point, I got very uncomfortable and asked to stop. They hadn’t even taken pictures! I wasn’t happy with the thing being up in my face. We stopped the test at that point. I rescheduled, then went home, called my doctor’s office and asked for some sort of sedative. If the doctor will sedate me, I can have the procedure done on Saturday.. We will see what happens. I am going to be getting a phone call tomorrow with either the news that I’m getting a prescription for 1 or 2 pills (probably going to be $50.00!) or they’ll send me to a “standing MRI” where you’re not lying flat. We shall see what happens.

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