Still Striving to improve myself, one board break at a time

Posts tagged ‘Facebook’

Kryptonite and Confidence

What is your Kryptonite?  My mind, that obnoxious little voice in my head that tells me I have to be in competition with others, that I’m not as good as them, etc. is my Kryptonite. That little voice wears down my confidence.

After the excitement of losing my 10%, I didn’t go to two meetings and definitely didn’t track.  It showed up on the scale last week.  I committed myself to tracking again—my leader says “You only plan to lose weight on the days you track.”  I listened and tracked.  I upped my water as I’d slacked off on drinking and instead, netted a gain of .2. That, in and of itself, is not overly bad. It’s just frustrating on top of what I saw last week. I know it’s all a part of the cycle, but I was irritated and then some. I did weigh in though.  That could have been a “nope.  Not going to do it.”  I faced the music and owned my weight.  Wasn’t pleased.  Still am not, but am doing something about it.

On Facebook, I am constantly bombarded by people who share their apparent successes all the time.  I never see them telling people that they’ve had setbacks.  I get frustrated by that because I’m sure they do have setbacks.  I wonder if they think that people won’t be cheering them on if they admit to it? I guess it’s a matter of how they perceive their reality.  I really have to stop basing my success vision on what I see other people doing/saying.  I don’t know how much of what they’re posting is just a “I’m going to post because people expect me to post feel good stuff.”

I struggle with motivation to exercise.  I don’t LIKE to work out. I was recently told that I need to be putting in a couple of hours a day in order to meet an unrealistic goal I set. I have since changed that goal because 1. It was highly unrealistic and 2. I want to do things in a healthy way, not an obsessed way. I don’t have the money to spend hours in a gym every day. The main reason I don’t want to go to a gym, in addition to the lack of funding, is that I feel like people are staring at me and judging me.  I’m 5’4″ and carry my weight in my stomach, butt, hips and thighs.  I am highly self conscious.  I don’t want to have some uber fit people stare at me and say “why is that fat person here?”  Yes, I know that the uber fit people are more likely not interested in one lowly person like me, but it’s my perception. That’s the self consciousness talking. It demonstrates a lack of confidence in myself.

I was invited to a group on Facebook to “skip the weighing in May”.  I won’t be joining, mainly because that’s my accountability of success.  Yes, it’s only numbers on the scale, but…that’s how I track my personal success. These people that are running that group are very supportive of each other and cheer each other on constantly.  Sometimes I wish they’d actually hunt me down, either on my page or in messages and ask me, “how are you doing?”  I do feel like they’re disgusted with me and refuse to talk to me because I don’t belong to their support groups and things. Again, it’s my perception of things. I kind of would like to see a message from them saying “keep it up!” They look at my pictures and share those, but there isn’t ever a pat on the back or an ‘atta-girl’.  Sometimes that means a lot. Maybe not to a lot of people, but to this person who is desperate for some recognition for making changes that are just as significant as what others are doing, it’s a lot. Again, this is a confidence issue.  I don’t want to compare myself to these people who lose all the time, who are not struggling with mental issues about weight and self image. I don’t need that and frankly, while I’m flattered that they invited me, I question why they asked me.  I’m sure it was about being nice and trying to be supportive.

This isn’t about other people. It’s about ME.  Yes, I gained. Am I happy about it?  Oh hell no! I am in control of my own destiny.  I will get this off. I don’t plan on it taking me another 8 months to reach 10%. I plan on making my next 10% in the next four months or so. It’s doable.  I won’t tell you how much I have to lose, but it’s a lot. Let’s just say that by the end of May, I want to be 2 inches smaller (I guess I better take measurements now!), I want to be exercising at least 3 times a week (this will happen, guaranteed!) and I want to be more confident in myself.

Once upon a time, I earned a black belt.  I was a lot heavier then than I am now.  I want to get that confident feeling back.  I want to feel as accomplished as I did then. I want to be healthy and happy.  I admit I have problems.  I am a food addict, I lack self confidence and I want acknowledgement that I am just as good as other people. I need to stop competing with people because it makes me feel resentful of their successes and makes me demean myself. I am just as good as anyone else. I have to stop comparing myself to them. I am a good person.  I just need to remember this and repeat it constantly.



Sunday Exercise plan

By now, you know that I struggle immensely with my weight. I am a committed Weight Watchers follower.  I’m a ‘wanna be’ on the exercise department.  I don’t go out and work out at a gym. I am a ‘home exerciser’.  I have a select few people I trust to egg me on, to be there to cheer for me and to literally kick my butt when I get whiny and feel sorry for myself. It’s an investment they’re making in me, that belief that I will succeed.  I can’t do less than prove them right.

I know that I’ve been rather negative about things that have really irritated me, but I’m trying a new tactic.  The people who make it a point to post on Facebook daily about how they spent 4+ hours in their gym?  Good job!  Spend another 4+ hours there tomorrow.  And the day after. Glad you’re making that change to your life!  I used to feel like I was having it shoved down my throat, like it was a “Look at me! I’m better than you because I work out all the time!”  I’ve since taken a look at what they’re doing (getting healthier) and looked at what I do for myself and it’s basically the same thing?  I can’t afford a gym, so my gym is my living room, with Shaun T’s Hip Hop Abs and Rockin’ Body DVDs.  When I get bored with that, I have a bicycle and some of the prettiest weather there is during the winter. So no, their “bragging” isn’t bugging me anymore.  I’m glad they’re doing what they do.  I do what I do, but don’t post it routinely.  I post a different sort of a thing to my people who hold me accountable for my actions.

Sure, it’s rough.  I wasn’t exercising regularly about 3 months ago. I joined a group and am expected to exercise every day, so I do. Even if it’s just belly dance, it’s working out.  It’s MOVING. That’s what I need.

I’m celebrating, in a small way.  I’m under the double century mark.  I hit 198.8 this morning, which is a LOT lighter than I’ve been in forever.  No, I’m not all bulked up with muscle.  Yes, I do eat and no, not always “right.  However, I made the decision that this is for me and me alone.  No competition with anyone else. So if I see someone posting their exercise success, I’ll applaud them from here, quietly, then go back to what I’m doing. As long as the Accountability group knows what I’m doing, and as long as my weigh ins at WW are continuing that tiny step down every week, I’ll be fine.  So it’s not a ginormous loss! My husband pointed out that I “didn’t get where I am overnight, so why should I expect it to all come off overnight?”  Of course, he has to be the sensible one and make me say “D’OH!” 

I’ve got to go now.  I have a bike ride planned and I want to get moving.  I have an appointment this afternoon that I want to feel like I truly earned and this bike ride is going to do it for me.



Living inside my head…

It’s another day, another workout for me. The challenge group I belong to, which is small, is wonderful.  My coach there is nice and yet rides my ass if I don’t post that I’ve worked out.  She’s helping me stay in focus.  This, I appreciate..  I also appreciate my husband telling me the other day that I was “hot”. It was after work and I was tired, but I still worked out and got that comment from him. That just made my day. He said, “I can wrap my arms around you.” He’s been super supportive and I am grateful! I dearly love him for being there.

Then there’s my friend, Cosmo.  She’s fabulous and also will kick  my butt and not let me fall down. She holds me accountable and usually cheers me on or tells me to get over myself.  I promised her I wasn’t going to bore people to death with my workout stories.  I’ve seen tons of those. The people who post them need their accountability and that’s their way of being accountable.  I get it.  I just don’t think I want to bore anyone with my trials and tribulations. I prefer to keep the surprise factor.  You see a picture of me once, a full body shot and that’s it.  Then I can hide and not let anyone see what I look like until my big transformation.  I hate posting pictures anyway because inevitably, somebody will bitch at me for “not smiling”.  I smile if I want.  I’m really sensitive about my looks and don’t pretend to think I’m all that and a bag of chips. Years of negative conditioning…if you don’t get told that you’re worthwhile, you absorb that and internalize it. That’s why I’m grateful for the people in my life now.  They are fabulous and helpful and will kick me if I deserve it.

So while I have the great people in my life, I find myself also thinking that I want approval from someone else. She won’t give me the time of day, but part of me just wants to scream, “Pay attention to me, damnit! I am here and need your approval!”  I knowI don’t need it. That doesn’t mean that an occasional word of “Hey, M, you’re doing GREAT!!” or “GREAT JOB!  I’m proud of you!” wouldn’t be appreciated!

It’s gotten to the point where I have seriously thought about de-friending her on Facebook.  People like that aren’t your friends.  They’re more like a person who only pays attention to you when they want something. If they are only in your life to drag you down, or to refuse to support you, then you don’t need them.  It goes along with the negativity.  Maybe this person has other things going on.  I’m sure she’s got issues of her own, but an occasional, “WTG” is, as I’ve said, appreciated. Ah well.  I’m working on that need.  To me, that’s a sign of me being too needy.  I don’t need people like that.  I need people who are genuine, who GET me and who push me when I’m a whiny person.

I’m probably being a whiny person right now, but I’ve had time to do a LOT of thinking. I’m happy where I am in my life right now.  No, I will NOT post a thousand pictures of myself.  Not gonna do a “before and after” thing. Not going to post daily that I have worked out. You want to know, ask me, but don’t look for it.

It’s all good.  I’ve spent a lot of time in my head again. I’m happier now than I was this time last year.  I’m happy that I rearranged my goals for movement.  I’m not trying to keep up with the Joneses or the Smiths or whomever in steps/activity.  I’m right where I need to be. By the end of 2013, I think I’ll even be in a better place!!


As humans, we want recognition for what we have done or are doing. It’s a way of saying, “hey, I’m worth something.” It doesn’t have to be big.  Sometimes, the smallest word of encouragement is enough to keep you going and make you feel that you’re being successful. It’s a great feeling to have someone notice you and say, “Keep up the good work!” You don’t feel that it’s all in vain.

All my life, I’ve had weight issues. I’ve lived with a parent who constantly told me how “fat” I was, how she was going to have my clothes made special for me.  I’m desperate to NOT repeat those actions with my own children because I know firsthand how hurtful it is for your parent, the one you love unconditionally, who should love you unconditionally, to tell you things like that.

I usually resist posting my weight loss attempts on Facebook because I tell myself I “don’t want to be like Jane Doe or Sarah Homemaker”, the ones “who spend all their time in the gym.”  “I don’t want to to be boring.” I have read *many* status updates where Jane Doe or Sarah Homemaker talked about how they conquered climbing Mount Fuji and it annoyed me. Why was I annoyed with it?  Was it jealousy because I couldn’t go climb Mount Fuji? Was it irritation that they climbed it before me?

Thinking back on my attitude, maybe I should have been out there, patting them on the back and telling them how wonderful they are for doing it.  After all, aren’t I looking for the same thing? I want validation too. I want Jane Doe and Sarah Homemaker to tell ME, “Hey, M, you’re FABULOUS!  You are rocking the workouts!! ” I have my support group in place already-I have eight wonderful, true friends, who push me, tell me to get over myself and keep going. I’m not sure why I want MORE validation.  Do I not already value myself?

I have to think long and hard WHY I ‘m working on weight loss.  It’s for my health, ultimately, I know, but there’s that nasty little voice inside my head that says “you’re not worth anything unless you’re super small.”  I have to beat that voice into submission and say “GO AWAY.”

So, for the people who constantly post their status updates as “I am a gym rat.” “I ran two marathons today.” I say, “GOOD JOB!! I applaud you!”  My cousin told me that I needed to post my updates, because that way people could follow my progress.  I tried it, didn’t get the “atta girl” that I thought I should get and frankly, had a temper tantrum of sorts. Well, guess what?  I’ve built a bridge and have gotten over it.

I am important to me. My husband and children notice that I’ve lost.  Ultimately, THEY are the ones who will appreciate that I’ve lost weight, because I’ll be out there running ahead of them when we go out as a family to do things.

I have goals.  My number one goal is to stop trying to have my outside family appreciate me or notice me.  I’m not in contact with my mother anymore so shouldn’t need to have validation from her that I’m successful.  I am successful in my own way.  So I don’t spend hours upon hours in the gym. I’m making baby steps and that should be more important to me than having someone pat me on the back and say “I’m glad you’re working on your weight issues.”


Day one of 2013

It’s the first day of 2013 and I am happy to say that I have been successful in ONE THING. I have successfully tracked *all* my food that I’ve eaten today.  Hooray!!  Score one for me! I need to document my eating all the time. I’ve heard people say “I know what I can eat and what I can’t eat, so I don’t need to track.” Well, congratulations! You’re a MUCH better person than me! In order for me to be successful, I have to document.  It’s training to see what I’m actually putting into my mouth. I’m also documenting my activities.  I posted on Facebook yesterday that I was bummed out that 20 minutes of vacuuming was not very many activity points.  The point is, I moved my butt! 

Fitbit says I’ve only walked about 25,040 steps this week.  Again, HOORAY!! It’s tiny. There are people on my friends list (whom I would hide but I’m not going to–I just deliberately ignore them) who have hundreds of thousands of steps. I don’t get that many steps in a week. It was bad enough that I deliberately changed my 10,000 step/daily goal to less. I sit all day long and don’t move.  Last week when my office was practically empty due to holidays, I got the most activity I’ve gotten in a really long time.  As I’m also not out riding my bike, my steps are also lower. That will change once it warms up. Until then, I’ll have to figure out what to do to get my activity level up. 

I was invited to a push up competition for the month of January. I haven’t clicked on the ‘accept’ yet. There’s no need for my fitness fails to be out in the public where I can be judged.  I’m rather a solitary person. I don’t like to publicize my failures.  That’s why I asked a small group of friends to help me.  I don’t post my status updates on Facebook. They get once a week updates and that’s enough.  Of course, if I get a “get your ass moving” text, I don’t take offense either. 

I read the Fitness Magazine article about Allison Sweeney. She said she had to put aside her feelings of having to be “perfect”.  I’m going to look at taking her advice. It’s not hurting anyone but me. I’m only in competition with myself.


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