This is a lake I have access to on a regular basis. I pass it every time I go out on my bike.
I gained. I weighed in last night and found out that I gained. I was pissed. I wasn’t just pissed, I was massively pissed. I still am, however, it’s nobody’s fault but my own. I am the only one who can change this. I had a long talk with my Leader and told her I wasn’t feeling the motivation. I don’t have an anchor. We had an exercise a few weeks ago where we thought about what we could use as our anchor-the motivation to keep us on our path. I couldn’t visibly come up with one. I got discouraged and frustrated. And I let other stupid, outside things bother me. That’s not really me. I can’t be stupid like that. I need to get over that and move on.
Fast forward to last night. I told my Leader that I was unhappy and not feeling good about things. She advised me to focus on the positives and not beat myself up over the negatives. I am working on that. I may have found my anchor-my bike. I posted a picture of it and am thinking that my goal to be able to ride up hills without stopping and walking may be my point of motivation. I have what others don’t have. I have good health. I have reasonably good weather (even despite the humidity!). I have a supportive husband and the few friends who are there and keep pushing me to succeed. I will make it happen.
I don’t expect everything to happen all at once, but I do expect that I’ll be riding my bike every day of the week by the end of June. That’s a reasonable goal to set and achieve. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not other people. I am myself. If I keep trying to compare myself to others, I will be one highly unhappy person. Therefore, I am blocking out the negative thoughts I had about their successes (“Why can’t I be the one losing a billion pounds?” “Why can’t I spend my free time in a gym, working out?” “Why don’t I have the support system other people have?”) I am not other people. This isn’t about them, it’s about me, and only me.
I’ve started over. I’m using MyFitnessPal to document my food and exercise. I have a Fitbit to track my daily activity levels. I debate on whether or not to spend another $35.00 to get a ActivLink from Weight Watchers to go along with my Fitbit. That entails a $5.00/month subscription to upload my activity to eTools. I haven’t justified that to myself yet. I will concentrate on one thing at a time. This week, my plan is to use MFP to document my food and activity. If you have an MFP account, you’re welcome to “friend” me. The more friends I have, the more I’ll use it and do what I’m supposed to do, which is to document and make things work. Otherwise, just ask me if I’ve worked out. That helps, believe it or not. Just send me a message and I’ll give you my MFP user name.
Speaking of working out…I’m doing a squat challenge with a friend. Today’s total is 70. Tomorrow is 75, then 80. Then we rest and go after it again with 80, 85, 90. I think that’s how I read it. 7 sets of 10 reps. Otherwise I have to do 6 sets of 12 and that’s an odd number. Well, you know what? Who cares? I’ll do it anyway, just to be difficult. I did find that it helped yesterday. My mantra, while I was out on my bike, was “My legs are stronger. My legs are stronger.” My legs won’t be the only thing stronger. My mind will also be stronger. As I work on my physical strength and weight loss, I’m also working on my mental health. I need to ditch the baggage that says I’m not good enough. I AM good enough. I am me and only me. I’m responsible for how I feel/what I do. I feel good and plan on keeping it that way.
By now, you know that I struggle immensely with my weight. I am a committed Weight Watchers follower. I’m a ‘wanna be’ on the exercise department. I don’t go out and work out at a gym. I am a ‘home exerciser’. I have a select few people I trust to egg me on, to be there to cheer for me and to literally kick my butt when I get whiny and feel sorry for myself. It’s an investment they’re making in me, that belief that I will succeed. I can’t do less than prove them right.
I know that I’ve been rather negative about things that have really irritated me, but I’m trying a new tactic. The people who make it a point to post on Facebook daily about how they spent 4+ hours in their gym? Good job! Spend another 4+ hours there tomorrow. And the day after. Glad you’re making that change to your life! I used to feel like I was having it shoved down my throat, like it was a “Look at me! I’m better than you because I work out all the time!” I’ve since taken a look at what they’re doing (getting healthier) and looked at what I do for myself and it’s basically the same thing? I can’t afford a gym, so my gym is my living room, with Shaun T’s Hip Hop Abs and Rockin’ Body DVDs. When I get bored with that, I have a bicycle and some of the prettiest weather there is during the winter. So no, their “bragging” isn’t bugging me anymore. I’m glad they’re doing what they do. I do what I do, but don’t post it routinely. I post a different sort of a thing to my people who hold me accountable for my actions.
Sure, it’s rough. I wasn’t exercising regularly about 3 months ago. I joined a group and am expected to exercise every day, so I do. Even if it’s just belly dance, it’s working out. It’s MOVING. That’s what I need.
I’m celebrating, in a small way. I’m under the double century mark. I hit 198.8 this morning, which is a LOT lighter than I’ve been in forever. No, I’m not all bulked up with muscle. Yes, I do eat and no, not always “right. However, I made the decision that this is for me and me alone. No competition with anyone else. So if I see someone posting their exercise success, I’ll applaud them from here, quietly, then go back to what I’m doing. As long as the Accountability group knows what I’m doing, and as long as my weigh ins at WW are continuing that tiny step down every week, I’ll be fine. So it’s not a ginormous loss! My husband pointed out that I “didn’t get where I am overnight, so why should I expect it to all come off overnight?” Of course, he has to be the sensible one and make me say “D’OH!”
I’ve got to go now. I have a bike ride planned and I want to get moving. I have an appointment this afternoon that I want to feel like I truly earned and this bike ride is going to do it for me.