Living inside my head…

It’s another day, another workout for me. The challenge group I belong to, which is small, is wonderful.  My coach there is nice and yet rides my ass if I don’t post that I’ve worked out.  She’s helping me stay in focus.  This, I appreciate..  I also appreciate my husband telling me the other day that I was “hot”. It was after work and I was tired, but I still worked out and got that comment from him. That just made my day. He said, “I can wrap my arms around you.” He’s been super supportive and I am grateful! I dearly love him for being there.

Then there’s my friend, Cosmo.  She’s fabulous and also will kick  my butt and not let me fall down. She holds me accountable and usually cheers me on or tells me to get over myself.  I promised her I wasn’t going to bore people to death with my workout stories.  I’ve seen tons of those. The people who post them need their accountability and that’s their way of being accountable.  I get it.  I just don’t think I want to bore anyone with my trials and tribulations. I prefer to keep the surprise factor.  You see a picture of me once, a full body shot and that’s it.  Then I can hide and not let anyone see what I look like until my big transformation.  I hate posting pictures anyway because inevitably, somebody will bitch at me for “not smiling”.  I smile if I want.  I’m really sensitive about my looks and don’t pretend to think I’m all that and a bag of chips. Years of negative conditioning…if you don’t get told that you’re worthwhile, you absorb that and internalize it. That’s why I’m grateful for the people in my life now.  They are fabulous and helpful and will kick me if I deserve it.

So while I have the great people in my life, I find myself also thinking that I want approval from someone else. She won’t give me the time of day, but part of me just wants to scream, “Pay attention to me, damnit! I am here and need your approval!”  I knowI don’t need it. That doesn’t mean that an occasional word of “Hey, M, you’re doing GREAT!!” or “GREAT JOB!  I’m proud of you!” wouldn’t be appreciated!

It’s gotten to the point where I have seriously thought about de-friending her on Facebook.  People like that aren’t your friends.  They’re more like a person who only pays attention to you when they want something. If they are only in your life to drag you down, or to refuse to support you, then you don’t need them.  It goes along with the negativity.  Maybe this person has other things going on.  I’m sure she’s got issues of her own, but an occasional, “WTG” is, as I’ve said, appreciated. Ah well.  I’m working on that need.  To me, that’s a sign of me being too needy.  I don’t need people like that.  I need people who are genuine, who GET me and who push me when I’m a whiny person.

I’m probably being a whiny person right now, but I’ve had time to do a LOT of thinking. I’m happy where I am in my life right now.  No, I will NOT post a thousand pictures of myself.  Not gonna do a “before and after” thing. Not going to post daily that I have worked out. You want to know, ask me, but don’t look for it.

It’s all good.  I’ve spent a lot of time in my head again. I’m happier now than I was this time last year.  I’m happy that I rearranged my goals for movement.  I’m not trying to keep up with the Joneses or the Smiths or whomever in steps/activity.  I’m right where I need to be. By the end of 2013, I think I’ll even be in a better place!!

Commitment to myself.

Loreal has a commercial that says “because I’m worth it!”  That is me.  I am completely worth it.

I have discovered the right combination of motivation and accountability.  I’m being held accountable for my actions by a few close friends (the ones I trust to not nag but who will kick my butt if I slack off) and I do believe it’s paying off. Perseverance. 

I have decided that the other people in my life who matter are the ones who cheer me on and are genuinely interested in what I’m doing. They ask questions. They support.  That’s what it’s about. I am a lot happier this week and have made no excuses for anything.  I came home from the doctor’s office on Tuesday with dilated eyes and still hit up my workout. Wednesday, I had to take my daughter to get fish for a school project. I worked out first, then we went. She knew that my workout was important and waited me out. 

My commitment to myself includes making sure I get plenty of rest, do my workouts and eat better. I consider myself a work in progress. I am pleased with the small amount of progress I tell myself I’m seeing.  I was able to show the family tonight that I have a bit of muscle definition under my rib cage.  Some of that is from the belly dancing, I’m sure, but it’s nice to see it coming back! I’m pretty pleased with that.