Still Striving to improve myself, one board break at a time

Archive for the ‘Learning’ Category

Holding grudges

Being disappointed is a normal part of life. It’s something that happens in our professional lives, in our personal lives. It’s something that happens by an ill-timed word or words, or differing opinions. It can appear to happen out of nowhere. You think things are going well and suddenly…POOF!  There’s a disappointment.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I have dealt with being disappointed by people recently. I’ve been bad about holding grudges, which don’t do anyone good, especially me. The definition of grudge is (noun) “a feeling of ill will, resentment.” That has been me recently. I got annoyed by someone and instead of letting that annoyance slide off into nothingness, I steamed about it and held onto it, nurturing an unhealthy feeling.

Releasing resentment is hard. I spent so much time with the resentment that it became a part of my life. I didn’t like the way I felt while I was holding on to that negative energy. I wasn’t happy and lashed out at my family and friends. It was ugly. I finally made up my mind to let it go, to open the door and usher it out.  All the resentment does for me is make me physically ill and exhausted.

I’m working on being a better person, which means I have to leave the pain of the grudges behind. I don’t want to be tired and grouchy all the time. If I have time to hold in all the resentment and let it fester, then I darned well have time to let it go, to be a nicer person.

To that extent, I’ve made an effort to reach out to people who I may have disappointed, to people who may have disappointed me.  I am making the effort. I can’t say I’ve been one hundred percent successful, but I’m trying. If I reach out to someone I’ve disappointed and don’t find my efforts rewarded, then I’ll take that as a sign that it wasn’t meant to be.  Will I be happy about it?  Not likely, but I’ll take it as it may be meant. The relationship is either meant to stay together or it’s meant to disintegrate. As long as I’ve TRIED then I know my karmic role is not as tarnished as it could be.

 

School’s out for…ever?

I graduated from college on May 12, 2017. It took me five years to get through all the coursework needed to attain an Associates degree. I freaking EARNED IT!!  It was not a walk in the park. It was a lot of hard work. I busted my butt to earn that degree and I’m proud of myself for it. I went back to school when my kids were in school so that I could finish something I didn’t finish right out of high school. When I was eighteen or nineteen years old, I was more concerned about getting out of the house than I was about going to school. My transcripts showed that. I’ve changed things around, worked my butt off and managed to graduate with honors. I maintained a 3.5 GPA, which makes me a kick ass B student!  I am proud of myself for that. Would I have liked it to be A?  Oh definitely. However, I had a couple of classes that dragged me down (Science with Professor Your Britches are Burning” and English with Professor I Hate Your Writing). I got a C in Math. That was the only class I consider an absolute failure and it wasn’t a failure. I managed to pass the class, just not as well as I could have done. I hope I never have to take another math class in my life (but I bet I will, especially if I go on to get another degree!).

So now what do I do with myself. That’s something I’m working on. I feel lost, cast adrift right now since I don’t have classwork to occupy my time.  I’ve been off work for a week and a half and even THAT feels awkward. I have to be doing SOMETHING. I don’t feel like myself if I’m not obsessing about something!

I’m going to work on studying Italian on my own for a while and see if I can get involved with a local group in Dallas. That seems to be what I feel drawn to at the moment. Who knows, maybe I’ll get back to writing? I love to write. I just have to figure out if what I’m writing about is of interest to people.  Maybe I’ll start researching things that are interesting to me and writing about them.

 

 

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