Still Striving to improve myself, one board break at a time


I’m suffering from burnout. I have been seriously burned out from my normal martial arts classes because I have had problems with remembering my forms and I get very frustrated because I’m a perfectionist. I demand nothing but perfection because I have this silly idea that I HAVE to be top notch. However, you cannot be top notch if you don’t practice. If you don’t practice, you can’t achieve the silly ideal of perfectionism you may be carrying around in your head.
This describes me. I get aggravated because I don’t know the Korean for my techniques. I don’t work on learning it. I get aggravated because forms I know I should know, I forget. I get mad at myself because I think that I “should” do something perfectly because I’m a black belt. Then I get caught into a nasty cycle of beating myself up and yelling at myself for doing things wrong.

This led to a lot of thinking (my best friend says I live in my head too much!). I’ve sent stupid emails to my instructors, telling them that I’m having issues. I’ve met with the owner of the school. He finally laid it out-I need to make a serious decision to get it together and decide what really want. I’ve got a yes or no question to answer for him. I just haven’t decided what that answer will really be. Is it in my heart to put in the hours and hours of training and beat myself up to get into top shape and attempt to work toward my second Dan?

Ultimately, I think it all boils down to that. I had this plan when I first got my Dan that I’d be a first Dan, then two years later, I’d be a second Dan, then three years after THAT I’d earn my third Dan…so, if I was “on track” on the old “plan”, I’d be a second Dan, pushing to earn my third in another year. Well, things don’t always work out the way we plan. I’m still at first Dan. I haven’t taken my training seriously. I blow it off more than anyone I know.

I’m working on figuring out what I want to do. To try to work toward that end, I enrolled in an “Introduction to Tai Chi” class through the Parks and Recreation department. I had my first class 7/12. I enjoyed that class and went back last night. I enjoyed that one as well. I truly feel that it is helping me. So far, I’ve only attended two classes, but I learned a little bit about the history of the art, plus I have learned how to “turn the ball” and “wave hands like clouds”. I am practicing the things I’ve learned thus far, which is a far cry from what I’ve been doing with my TSD. I don’t think I’m going to give up the TSD yet, but I’m thinking that for now, my concentration is going to be on healing myself (my leg still isn’t right after that kick *months* ago!) and getting my mind together. Then I can pull it together, go into class without any expectations and I’ll be able to concentrate on training with out putting any stupid burdens on myself.

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